i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
