I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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