and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
