I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
