Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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