Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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