I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
