alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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