Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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