I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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