I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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