Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
