I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
