Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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