Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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