I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
