I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
