If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
