I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need to calm my uterus...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
