my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I will be naked everywhere
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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