My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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