I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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