I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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