i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
