loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
