just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
