Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
