I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
why is half of my head shaved?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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