I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
