never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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