my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
