I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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