My Higher Power is John Stamos
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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