i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
