3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
