life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When are your genitals available?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
