don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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