The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
