i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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