From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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