Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
