Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
