my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
