Jerry, you need to find god
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
