i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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