Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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