dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
