Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
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