Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My liver just broke up with me...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
