It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
