woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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