I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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