I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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