I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
