Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
