I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
